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Feeling the Pain

I don’t mean an emotion. Sensing emotions is easy. We can look at a person’s face and determine their emotional state.

I mean physical pain.

I can look at a picture of a wound and feel how that felt when it happened. I can see the scars from burns still healing and know how horrible that experience was. I can feel the panic and the fear and the shock when it happened.

I feel their pain as if I was living it. Real pain that can double me over sometimes, or make me wince. When I see someone limp, I can feel where the pain is most of the time.

Waiting somewhere, I saw a woman stand tall and stretch her back and knew she and I had the exact same back problems.

This is something that developed and deepened over time. As a kid, I could watch any medical procedure being done. But the day I saw a boy getting an operation to put pins THROUGH his stubby club fingers to stretch them, that was done.

Another reason to stay away from crowds most of the time. For places where it’s intentional (like if I go to an SM party), I’m fine. Those people want this done to them, so it’s different.  I seem mostly to feel things that are unintentional. The accidents.

I recently saw a video of someone who had been pushed onto the tracks of a subway station with a train coming in. This fucker with the camera KEPT SHOOTING (over 40 pictures) rather than running over to try to help the man out of the pit. Personally, I don’t know how the guy taking pictures can live with himself (unless he got paid for shooting a man’s death).

The panic of that poor man trying to jump up out of the pit and NO ONE running over to help him.

NO ONE

I can feel that bewilderment. SOMEONE HELP ME!!!

I can feel that helplessness. NO ONE IS HELPING ME!!!

My soul aches to help. I’d have put my own life in danger to at least try.

There was another incident some years back, but not a physical death. The death of a soul in side the body. There was a little girl kidnapped and he took her into a convenience store. There’s video footage of this poor child walking around like a zombie and looking up at the adults around her. Clearly terrified to say anything (probably warned that he’d do something horrible to her mother if she said anything to anyone) and her eyes just begging someone to SEE HER!

Ask me if I’m okay!

I’M NOT OKAY!!!

No one paid any attention. They walked right on by her as if she wasn’t there. I understand the pain in her soul those moments. I recognized that misery.

Just the same as seeing physical pain, I feel it. The grip of a hand around my heart giving a brief but painful squeeze.

Even though I try to go out as little as possible, the images invade my home through the news on the television. I have tried not watching the news, but they promo the big stories ten times a fucking hour. You can’t get away from it unless you watch your own videos or go to cable channels that don’t have news until the news is over.

For an hour. After that hour, they’ll start promoting the same stories for the 10 or 11 o’clock news.

There’s no end to the bombardment.

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