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Titanic was on HBO last night.

I’ve always liked the first half, the interpersonal story of Rose trapped in an engagement and the very rigid society in which she lived.

But once the berg hits, I have to stop watching. If I don’t, all those souls who went down in the water see their deaths over and over again. Yes, it’s a movie. But there are very real people being depicted.

People who died a horrific death.

Seeing the second half of the movie, I can feel them flock to me to watch and grieve all over again. I feel the sadness, the fear of nearly 1500 people who died more or less in the same few minutes. I feel the cold of the water a they drown.

I feel the impact of fifteen hundred deaths. And they stay with me that night as I sleep.

So I enjoy the first half of the movie and turn it off when the boat hits the berg.

Other movies I cannot watch include the recent one about the Tsunami that killed over 200,000 people. If a movie is rather difficult, then words cannot express how deeply I felt the loss of life caused by a wave. At the time, I couldn’t watch anything on the news about it. I couldn’t see the faces.

If I see the faces, their soul will come to me. That’s how it always works. How many pictures of how many people were on the news? And for how many weeks?

The wave of wailing souls that washes over me may as well be the Tsunami that killed them. The sudden burst of tears from my eyes isn’t because I am sad personally. It’s the release of the grief they bring to me. Tears from the eyes are the pressure valve that lets it out when it is too much for me to contain.

I don’t watch movies about earthquakes that have happened. I don’t watch movies about hurricanes that have happened. I can’t.

Documentaries are easier because it’s a relating of facts and theory. I still get connections through them but it’s not as intense.

Titanic 3D is soon to be released. Masses will go to see it.I never will.

I’ve already lived those deaths with those people on that ship. I don’t need to live it again.

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